Tuesday, June 18, 2013


If its not one thing, its always another. ★

I would love to just constantly be able to update my blog ...
Though, whenever I actually TRY to something comes up in my life that just throws me off.

The last post I had written had to do with my experience in New York.
I was going to write up a sequel post about how my Kyary concert experience was and then ...
That very same day of my last post on here I had to go through one heck of an experience.
It was out of no where, and actually the day started out as really good  ...
But obviously the day ended badly with what I had found out.
 I had to even call out from work the next day.
I barely slept that night. I couldn't even breathe correctly.

To simply put it, my (now) ex-boyfriend cheated on me again.
Its pretty truthful of me to admit on a public blog but it doesn't even matter at this point.
That's the one thing that's sort of taboo when it comes to blogging ...
Talking about your personal problems, and especially stuff like this. 
I always hear about  people dealing with affairs though I never hear about 
how they actually cope with the pain. No one never knows what to do.

 I've been battling with self-esteem issues and just self-doubt problems in general.
I've been strong for the most part, or I am trying at least.
My ex-boyfriend used to repeatedly tell me for years that pain drives motivation.
I'm not sure if life had a funny way of foreshadowing events with that phrase but,
 it was always something that lingered around my mind.
Pain drives motivation.

As much as I wanted to remain depressive it was never an option because a part of me tries to find
something to look forward to. I've always been the type to want to always remain in a
a never ending stairway of improvement. I've never thought highly of myself and I've always
remained humble to who I was. I've grown a lot as a person and I believe what helps me
strive is to look back on how far I've grown in every aspect of my life. 

The picture above isn't the best quality but it was taken when I was 12 years old.
I was dressed up and ready for my first anime convention, Anime Festival Orlando

When I was your typical FF/KH weeb. I was around 15 years old in this picture.

Around 16 years old in the above, going through Japanese fashion phases. 
The date on the picture is completely off because my camera at the time was weird.

First time wearing Lolita ever in my life. I was 17 years old at the time. 

At  late17, full blown weeb phase. Trying out hair extensions for the first time here.
Obviously my natural hair was brown and the extensions were black. lol

I was around 18 years old here when I first tried out falsies and actually attempting at 'nicer' makeup. 

It took a long time, years actually, to develop into the person that I am today. 
I would have never thought to make it this far in not only appearance, but in personality as well. 
I can't say all of my motivation derived from thin air.
There was always something that either inspired me or triggered instant motivation.
That 'something' was not always good neither. 

I've met and have became friends with so many wonderful people ...
Most of them still remain in my life today and I couldn't be happier. ♡
My progress may not come off as a huge difference in changes compared to other people ...
For me, certain situations in my life really did felt like a struggle.
Especially those situations that appear so minimal to others ended up being the most challenging.

If its one thing I've grown tired of its the habit of putting myself down or doubting myself. 
I was always afraid of trying something different and I was afraid of failing.
Its interesting because it took me this long to come to terms with the fact that its perfectly fine to fail.
People say things all of the time about how no one should be ashamed to fail and make mistakes but ...
It truly does take legit realization to fully get a grasp of that concept. 
On top of that, its easier said than done.
Whenever I've been hit hard sometime in my life, 
where I've fallen off of my tracks I always end up
wanting to bounce right back.

Though, why? Why do I feel that need?
Why do most people end up feeling that need to bounce back?
I suppose at one point you truly realize that you still have a long way to go with your life.
It's not really the end, more so the beginning of your journey.
In our lives we have the chance to redeem ourselves and there are many opportunities along the way.
Failures are only temporary and we always forget that.

Every part of your life at some point ends up becoming problematic.
Your sanity, your relationship with someone, your perspective on yourself, your goals ...
You'll end up running into not just a couple of bumps along the road but many bumps.
I use to wish for an easier life instead of all of the crap I had to go through and still go through.
I wondered why I had to go through certain things and other people didn't ...

I would always wonder, why me? ...
I would always wonder why do those I care about get afflicted by terrible events as well?


I realize after a while that ...

There's absolutely no point in questioning the bad events in your life once they've happened.
 Questioning comes naturally and we can't help that.
 Though, we do not want to depend on questions alone to help resolve our problems. 
The sad reality is ... most questions do not have any of the answers we need.
Especially, those questions pertaining to why someone would hurt us the way they did.
 The good and bad are continuously going to exist within our lives.
The events in your life are sometimes, if not most of the time, beyond your control.
What you can control though, is how you handle these events. 

I never claim to be a strong person or to be an expert on these things ...

Though, what I know very well is that in most situations you have to choose not to be afraid. 
You have to choose to let go.

You have to develop the ability to say no, not just to those around you, but to yourself.
Most importantly, to yourself.

You have to tell yourself sometimes ...
No, you won't allow your past to haunt you.
No, you won't allow someone to make you less of a person.
No, you won't view yourself as inadequate. 

Its appropriate to dwell in pain for a bit but, limiting your manifestation of your feelings
is another task that has to be developed.  There are times these past few weeks where I would lay 
down on my bed and end up staying there for hours. 
I would go through migraines from thinking too much. 
When I was finished, it was always the same end result ...

I just wanted to be happy.
I didn't want to just ask myself what I did wrong.
I didn't want to continuously pick at my own flaws.
I just wanted to return back to my normal self. 

I realize the bad events in my life were temporary, or as temporary as I made them to be.
They were pot holes in my life but they were not representing my entire life.
My entire life, everyone's entire lives, is more vast than anyone can imagine.
So many days, and so many years ahead of you.
So many.

Especially days, what if you were forced to create a schedule for every 
single day of your entire life?

A schedule that you have to follow through with ...
Imagine all of the ideas you'd have, all of the things you've always wanted to do or learn.
Just as the universe is infinite so is your mind.
Life may be limited but that still shouldn't stop you from striving.
On the contrary, it should motivate you to push forward.

After all, we don't have much time on our hands so why allow a trivial event stop you from living?

These are all the guidelines I try to live by. 
These are the very exact thoughts that come up when I feel like I've 
gone too far off the edge. Its as if, my mind becomes hectic with stressful/depressing
 thoughts but then catches itself before I fall too deep. 

In other words, when I follow these guidelines that I've presented it feels like a weight has been lifted.

I start to feel this sudden urge to feel excited.
There's so much under my disposal and there's so many things I need to do and try.
The idea of it all becomes exhilarating and suddenly it feels like I have purpose.
If you were to ask my close friends and family members about how I'm handling the break up
they'd probably say

"Surprisingly well ... Too well."

In which, its pretty much true. 
I've barely cried, I've been functioning normally for the most part,
and some even say I appear happier than I was before. 

Its strange how a specific outlook on life can completely change everything.
I was in a 5 year relationship with my ex-boyfriend but I carry on with my life as it never happened.
I remember the good times, and I even smile sometimes when I think of memories.
Though, there came a point in our relationship where he changed.
I can't do anything about that and if he chose to disrespect and disregard our relationship ...
Well, there's absolutely nothing I can do.

Overall, I feel for the most part really good.
I do get depressed at times, its only natural but I guess I've subconsciously accepted
things for what they were and just decided to move on.
Its not an easy feat to conquer but I tried and I'm glad that I was able to do so.

Well, sorry for this rather serious/depressive post.
( ´△`)

I really wanted to create a post like this and it was not just to write what was on my mind.
I wish to help inspire others, to help set an example to others who feel like bad events
are always getting in their way ...

I want people to see that life doesn't always have to suck.

I feel determined now more than ever to better things.
For anyone going through any similar problems as I went through  ...or
things are just going downhill in general for you I hope you can take
what I've written into consideration. 

Your life has more meaning than you think.
You are more important than you think.

No one is really sure for what reason why we exist but whatever,
make up a reason. Even if it sounds silly, create a reason why you exist.
I'd like to believe I exist because I feel the need to spread kawaii and
joy to the world. Its a lame reason but a reason nevertheless. lol

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